As we have gotten older, my wife and I are fortifying ourselves with heavier winter night gear. Several winters ago, she bought flannel sheets; both top & bottom are flannel. But, each top and bottom sheet peels little white fluff balls. These nits creep into a variety of places. I am wild about them, because they remind me of those rough flannels of former days.

     Last year, she added flannel pajamas for each of us. She had her mind focused on being good and warm in winter nights. The result of this duo turned out a bit differently than expected. The flannel pajamas are quite nice. Mine is a two-piece: navy blue full top with matching bottoms, which have slack-like pockets. (I asked her what I was supposed to carry in these pockets during the night…probably credit cards.) Hers are a cute two-piece pink set. The upper has ribbons, while the bottoms have little hearts. They are very feminine and sometimes very naughty. I can untie her ribbons and have a heart-on at the same time.

     Our flannel pajamas are loose fitting, allowing for free movement during sleep. That moving parts situation causes some annoyance during sleep. For example, my trouser legs roll up above my knees. The sleeves shinny up under my armpits. Both upper and lower parts twist into tight rolls like wet towels. During the night, I have to set up in bed, then tug flannel sleeves down the lengths of arms, as well as unroll their knotted death choking from waste, neck and legs.

     Then the crawling gets even worse, because they crawl into my very private areas. Sometimes their front becomes the "jaws of death" vice griping my manly man thing. These pajamas are unmerciful about which item they snare. Then, some nights the rear seam has crawled far, deep and wide. I suspect my wife experiences similar erratic acts by her pair of nighttime wraps…. Except in she never mentions anything about her vital areas being invaded.

     Thinking back into school days, only a first grade teacher could have predicted the lethal combination of flannel layering on flannel. In elementary school, teachers once used flannel boards to illustrate stories. Teachers would stick flannel story figures onto a flannel board, so students could see events. That same law of physics applies to our nocturnal warm fuzzy sleep time. These darned flannel pajamas stick to the darned, peeling flannel sheets! However, we tell a different story: we are Velcro-ed, stuck and locked on one spot. Whenever I try moving from one sleeping position to another, a tug of war occurs followed by a big un-sticking sound as flannel is pulled off flannel.

     Sometimes, neither fabric will yield to the other; it is gridlock. For example, when I awakened this morning, most of the bedding was knotted in the middle at the bottom of the bed. There was a giant mound of twisted flannel sheet, mattress cover, a blanket, top flannel sheet, and down coverlet. Turned over so often, the only solace was sleeping directly on the mattress. Yet, my flannel pajama’s liked the smooth surface of our mattress, and there was a continuous snickering from them as they defeated BOTH flannel sheets!

     Interestedly, as I lay on top of the mattress outside flannel sheets, blanket or fleece-down coverlet, room’s temperature was quite comfortable. My body did not freeze, and there were no polar bears stalking ice flows in our bedroom. All these nightly tussles prove only the mattress wins the night.