TV ads are becoming more and more nauseous. Their pitchmen flood every station. Listening to so many different voices, seeing so many different faces, and watching so much movement, color, animation, charts, graphs, and a collage of crap, I though in my mind, " Self, what makes me so thankful for these TV commercials?" Then, a goodly list of benefits began bursting in my brain. Each grand suggestion enhance the quality of life:

1. I must check the accuracy of clocks. I.e. changing clocks either backward or forewords by daylight savings time. These commercials are saving me time, sweat & get to NAG, Remind, NAG, Remind, NAG…
2. Each helps me regulate my Kidneys. Predictably, every quarter hour these ridiculous set of liars pop on the screen. Plus, every half-hour they double doses the amount from six to twelve. Thus, they provide ample time for any extended nature call.
3. Many reveal great female fashion models. Each girl chosen is beautiful with an hour glass figure. She has to match a product to make it truly exotic. I hate tough tool ads, where rough cut men demonstrate a chainsaw, or an all-terrain vehicle.
4. Every one teaches me new vocabulary. The ads’ present a cutting edge of trendy phrases, which develops wondrous communication skills. It is so couth to ask someone if they are using new 100 degree, sexually stimulating underarm deodorant.
5. ALL allow me to talk back to someone, other than myself. Without fear, I am able to ask questions, give them a piece of my mind, and feel good about being shameless.
6. They demonstrate products that stimulate my brain capacity. For example, one of these must-have items was a pancake turner; you flip, they flop. And to think if we had one these turners early in life, the fate of all civilization would have been dramatically altered. Such a revolutionary tool ought to be standard issue for our State Department workers. There is little doubt it would remedy the entire Middle east crisis and alleviate any guerrilla warfare. Since no one would ever make a frazzled pancake, an euphoric peaceful mood would envelop the whole world.
7. Their reoccurring sequence provides huge incentives for cruising and surfing channels. Whenever my wife yells about switching channels so often, I am able to respond, " That was another silly commercial. I’ll change back to your stuff in a minute." This button pushing technique feeds the mind to view more zany ads on several different channels.
8. A few introduce interesting concepts and problems. Is it exciting having a "lemon like" smell in a toilet bowl cleanser, or reducing your credit card debt by letting some stranger manage your money? And how about those antiperspirant and odor absorbent shoe inserts…. Just wash your darned feet, OK. I want one of those new cars that straighten out curved roads, zooms though red lights, and uses bio-fuels. How about all those diet pills and diet programs; has anyone thought about feeding the face less slop? ( There is some program called "what not to wear", but it needs a precursor called, "what not to eat". Nor am I able to live without the latest music or liquid HD TV sets that you hang on the wall. But do you truly want a TV on your wall, where you have to look up, twist sideways for watching these nauseating, aggravating ads on it? How about an all-time winner ad: cell phones. Wouldn’t you enjoy taking that phone from the little weasel whom keeps asking, "can you Hear me now?", stomp into a sidewalk, then ask him, "Can you hear ME now?"
9. Some make a slice of "quality time" where my wife and I share thoughtful, meaningful, in-depth analytical commentary. The deodorant, car insurance, and ocean cruises bring us so close. Commercials go on and on. In a matter of 1 to 6 minutes, we solve nearly every world problem by purchasing a manufacture’s quick fix. These support America’s short attention spans, shallow reasoning power, and void of common sense. This springboards into the next reason.
10. This springboards into the next reason. If our house was burning to the ground, my wife could not stop watching "The Price is Right". It has become a daily ritual with the emcee on ones side and very cute fashion models on the opposite; they always stand nearby and touch various products. When many, many commercials hit, they are targeting little old ladies, who sit glued to the TV. As they wait to advise a contestant how much to bid, their brains get zapped with items like painkillers, diet drugs, cleaning product, denture care, ARP come-ons, and reclining beds.
11. TV commercials bring inspiration about how people can fight over beer. As of now, my wife has never, ever ripped off her blouse, jumped into a lake screaming, "Lees Filling"…. Guess that we are simple red wine drinkers.

     Amazingly, there are some products NOT being sold in TV commercials. For example, some time in the past, the shoe was invented for protecting the human foot. Once upon a time, a duffus thought, " I hate walking over sharp rocks and on hot ground. So, I’ll wrap something around my feet". In today’s commerce, manufactures sell shoes with little protection as possible. Shoes have the same basic function, but with style. Shoes are reduced to an international social issue.

And here are a few items that no one has yet to ask about making money:

1. No one has designed a wholesale method for tackling boogers. We have tissues for blowing running noses, catching a cold’s cough, and holding vomit. But what does a person do with a single slippery booger? Guys just finger it out, then wipe the thing on a pant leg.
2. How about clipped nails? When you clip finger or toe nails, shouldn’t there be an environmental market for these? At present, sewage plants process human manure into a "megalite" product that is used as fertilizer. There is money to be made by catching these clippings, then reshaping them into an earth sensitive product.
3. There must be a ready market for those serrated, cutting edges used with plastic wrap. These perfectly usable toothed slivers of metal have been ignored. They are overlooked, discarded, then tossed into the trash. These tiny thin slicers could enjoy another life by a TV ad proclaiming their importance. At present, they remain meaningless as topless, toeless high fashion shoes.

     Then this final story about TV commercials: Three little boys walk up to a pharmacist at a drug counter. They hand him their combined piggy bank savings of $ 4.00 in quarters. One of the boys asks for a box of Tampons.
     "Are these for your mother", the pharmacists inquired.
     "No", the little boy replied.
     " Are they for your sister", persisted the pharmacists.
     " No" came back the boy’s voice. "They are for us".
     Surprised, the pharmacists pressed on how the boys were going to use the Tampons.
     "Well", piped up another little fellow. " We saw this ad on TV that if we use these, we can go
      swimming, horseback ridding, play tennis and go skiing."