Christmas is a fun time at our house. "Relatives " come over to graze. By relatives, I mean those who might be of near gene strains, could contain nuclear waste as well as gene sidesaddle inbreeds. The problem always comes down to gifting everyone.

I have a cousin with a wooden leg and a stubbed penis. Since he can’t walk very well, nor can he screw very well, what to get him? The list excludes hunting accessories, ladders, bicycles, or trousers. At one pint, I went to a sex store for a penis extender. An ideal fantasy gift, but he has tripped over it. That fall caused him a broken nose.

There is my prudish sister. She was quite concerned that oral sex would stretch her mouth. Gifts to her have included toothpaste with whitener, vibrating toothbrushes and ora-jell. She wears black horn-rimmed glasses from the 1960’s. So, a DVD movie, Salem Witch Trials, could be a welcomed gift.

I have a nephew, who flies in from San Francisco, CA.  Thankfully; he leaves his boyfriend on the "coast". He wears a stylish low cut v-neck tops that expose his cleavage. His black skintight slacks crease his crack. Last year, I got him a black leather belt with matching leather restraints. ( They were from the same sex store where is bought the penis extender, at which he looked longingly.) He smiled saying, "Thank you, Uncle".

However, one evergreen gifting problem is buying something suitable for my wife. She has it all! For example, this fall, I employed workman to extend a rock wall to enhance landscaping. I said, "Let’s go look at rocks". She got excited inferring that WE were driving to our jewelry store to look at diamonds. However, we had a good time on our last Alaskan tour, where she bought different kinds of jewelry. On the tour, I kept trying to put her in a Kodak bear wrestling contest.

She is not mechanical, which rules out any movable object. Natural, she would abhor power tools, cooking utensils, exercise equipment, computer tech stuff, roller skates, electric carving knives, revolvers, staplers or pliers, etc.

The persistent problem remains what to get her for a surprise present? Here are my secret, mischievous TWISTED concepts:

1. A quart of pure grain alcohol. This is so brilliant in that if she drank any, she would forget about what happened on the great room carpet. In the morning, she would ask, " Did I do anything funky?" To wit I could say you had a wonderful time, and entertained our whole family when to took off your clothes, singing from my lap, " Come! Ye Merry Gentlemen, Let nothing…."
2. A 8 " meat clever. This is NOT a very good idea in that in is not attached to something. That device is so versatile that she would surely whack off my head, the upper one
3. A sewing machine with computer attachments. Is too complicates, too mechanical, and SO not her. Sewing things in style with mechanical brains makes great sense, except she doesn’t sew. She buyers ready-made stuff demanding tailoring by a seamstress. A sewing a machine for her is equivalent to a supersonic fighter jet for me. It is a really cool piece of equipment; it looks fantastic parked in the driveway, but the piece becomes a nightmare when attempting its use. If she turned on the sewer, zooming the torque in its computer, then we surely would have zigzag thread patterns etched across carpeting.
4. A pair of black stiletto, high heeled boots. She would enjoy this look, until she experienced #1. Or, we could match stringy item from Victory Secrets….
5. A Victory Secret store gift card. Naturally, discretion dictates that I tag alone when she shops that store. A husband’s in-put is mandatory, when it comes to intimate apparel of deep Secrets. Also, who knows what evil lurks in those dressing rooms for changing?
6. A box of French perfumes. Smelly stuff is always good. Albeit, some smelly things smell better than other smelly things. For example, I would rather smell a baking pizza than a flushed toilet. A freshly cut red rose is better than dog dung. A good Merlot beats white Zin. Apply pie smells sweeter than earwax. My private collections of estate farts do not smell as refined as new leather inside a new Cadillac. One problem with French perfumes is the possibility of smelling like a streetwalker. On the other hand, what’s wrong with that fantasy? Return to #4 & 5, until store personnel bar you from entering.
7. A vacation. Finally a golden, real gem! Get a cruise and get away from the world. How perfect to have a period of time together: wife gets busy with lots of involvement; husband lets demands cause stress.